Self Worth
The dictionary defines self-worth as ‘the sense of one’s own value or worth as a person’. But how do we measure that? The truth is, it’s in the measuring of self-worth where things start to go horribly wrong. Many believe that self-worth can be measured based on external actions and validations. But doing that only creates conditional acceptance, insecurity, people pleasing and manipulation and leaves you vulnerable to constant judgement by the self and others. Measuring yourself against others, rather than placing value on your intrinsic value, leads to a constant striving for acknowledgement and validation from external sources – and no amount of validation is ever enough.
When you have a diminished sense of self-worth, there is often a belief that things are not okay as they are. The constant striving and need for things to be different sends a message that we are not okay as we are and that leads to suffering.
The first step in building self-worth is to stop comparing yourself to others and seeking their approval for your actions. This entails challenging the inner critic that is constantly urging you to be better than and work harder than everyone else or you won’t be good enough. Listen to the tone and content of that inner voice – would you speak to anyone else with that voice? If not, then challenge this inner critic until it becomes an inner support system – challenge every belief system that you have by asking ‘is it real/is it true’. Above all else, demand that your inner voice be kind.
The second step is to start practicing self-compassion – treating yourself with the same kindness and compassion as you would treat a friend. Be curious, open, accepting and loving toward yourself and your experiences rather than being self-critical. There are three steps to practicing self-compassion:
- Acknowledge and notice your suffering – name it
- Be kind and caring in response to the suffering – what does it need?
- Remember that imperfection is part of the human experience – everybody feels it. It is part of your journey of self-discovery
The third step is to add meaning to your life by taking part in activities that you feel are important. Keep a journal and write down all the things you are grateful for on a daily basis so that you can see how much meaning already exists. Be generous – share your gifts and talents with others, volunteer to help out where you can – do things that make you feel good just for the sake of feeling good.
Decide on what is important to you. What are your boundaries? While you have no control over how other people will treat you, you do have a choice as to what you take on board.
Be discerning - you don’t have to believe anything anyone says to you or about you – that is simply their opinion. By deciding what’s important to you, you will start to build a set of values and principles that will establish a level of personal integrity in your life that will insist that your actions correspond to your words. You will treat yourself with the same level of respect that you treat others. When you treat yourself and others respectfully, you will no longer be able to tolerate being treated disrespectfully by anyone else. You cannot change those people, but it will become easier for you to move away from them.
