Perfectionism
We all have defence mechanisms or strategies that we use to protect ourselves. Perfectionism is a common one that goes hand in hand with shame and fear. We struggle with perfectionism in areas where we feel most vulnerable to shame. Perfectionism says ‘if I look perfect, live perfect, work perfect and act perfect I can avoid or minimise criticism, blame and ridicule’.
We use perfectionism to protect us from being hurt, but in reality what it really does is prevent us from being seen. Note that there is a difference between striving for excellence and perfectionism – striving for excellence means I want to do, be and give my best – it is internally focussed for the genuine wellbeing of self and others. Perfectionism is externally focussed – it’s about ‘what will people think?’ We can’t do anything brave if we are wearing the straightjacket of ‘what will people think’.
As with all conditions, perfectionism exists on a continuum which means that we may identify with some or all of its common traits:
- Procrastination
- Feeling paralysed by a fear of failure
- Finding it hard to make decisions
- Caring too much about what people think about us
- Setting unrealistic goals
- Constantly feeling disappointed in ourselves
- Beating ourselves up for every mistake we make
- Expecting life to be a straight line upwards – failure is not an option
- Finding it very hard to accept down times, stumbling blocks, mistakes or any sort of negative feelings and situations because it doesn’t align with our ‘perfect’ vision
- Feeling like we are never good enough (I could have done it better)
- Being unable to celebrate a win (because it’s never enough)
- Being a workaholic (working long hours, stressing out about details of projects, taking fewer vacation days than anyone else)
- Self-criticism (ignoring our successes and being preoccupied with our failures or perceived shortcomings)
- Often critical of others and have unrealistically high expectations of them
Perfectionism is a learned behaviour so the good news is that it can be unlearned! If you can identify with some or all of the traits above you can take the following steps to let go of perfectionism:
- Admit you are a perfectionist (be clear about which traits you identify with)
- Realise that perfectionism is an inappropriate and incorrect perspective on how life works – how would you rather see the world?
- Stop seeking other’s approval (your opinion of yourself has to be more important than what others think about you)
- Find a role model that you admire and find out what their beliefs and strategies are
- Educate yourself - read books, speak to people, watch programmes – expose yourself to a wide range of ideas and discover what resonates with you
- Catch yourself in the act of being a perfectionist and interrupt it – make a conscious decision to alter your behaviour (eg. if you always work late, start leaving the office on time)
- Strive for excellence instead of perfection – do the best you can do in a way that makes you feel good about yourself
- Make a list of all your best qualities – what you feel you are good at – then allow yourself to acknowledge your achievements – feel the difference between validating yourself and seeking validation from others
